


My Mind

by woa



Series: One-shots [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, whump!Bones, why the fuck is my writing so dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 21:14:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7907872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woa/pseuds/woa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is just whatever.</p></blockquote>





	My Mind

My mind feels like it wants to tear itself apart. And so I do. I tear myself apart. Because I can’t cry, no tears will come, and I want to yell and scream and choke and die, but I can’t because I promised Jim I'd always be there. I want to take a shuttle out into the cold and dark and terrifying space and just get lost. Because I already am. I’m lost inside my own body and my own mind. And I don’t even know how I got here.

I can’t cry. I feel too wound up inside. But I don’t want to do anything. I’m forcing myself to go to work, and I'm teasing Spock and laughing with Jim and writing long loving letters to my daughter, but I just want to pull my hair and scream, and I feel like I need to let go, and I just want to let it end.

I’m on edge, but also numb, and I’m tense and coiled like a snake, and I want to run until I can’t breathe or maybe fill up a sink and drown myself. I want just to cut off my head and I don’t know what to do, and I don’t want help.

No, I do. I just don’t think anything will help, and I don’t know what to do. Why, why, why, just god fucking damn it WHY!??? I want to hit something. I curl my hands into fists and I want to punch someone. Myself. Why can’t I fucking be happy or normal and why can’t I be a normal fucking person! Why can’t my biggest problem be that there's a mild case of an unknown rash among the crew, or something? Not the fact that I want to inject myself with an overdose of drugs or take an instrument from surgery and just hack into my arms, my legs, my stomach, my soul.

 

I know I’ll be okay. I should sleep, and it will be better in the morning. I'll go to work, I'll talk to Spock, and tease Jim. But I don’t trust myself to take a single dose of my sleep aid, and I definitely can’t just fall asleep now.

**Author's Note:**

> this is just whatever.


End file.
